No Resolution.

I sat down with a lot of senior management at my hospital yesterday and talked about how I think I can help the patient flow situation. A number of people seemed pretty impressed. The Chief of Staff, who is new and very clearly competent and no-nonsense, may not have been. He wasn’t unimpressed, certainly. Or, I should say, he didn’t appear negatively disposed towards me. But he also didn’t leap out of his chair and beg to pay me extra money. Which is what I was hoping, of course.

The email I had from him this morning was vague, but I suppose appropriate: “Many thanks for your time and educating us. We have a few things to chew through, including developing the team for pt flow. Will definitely be in touch.” A friend described that as “encouraging”. Is it? I don’t feel encouraged. That feels to me like the words of someone who still isn’t sure I have anything to offer him.

So I remain in the air. I don’t know what my employment situation is, or if LRU is going to get around to offering me a position. I’m completely flummoxed. It’s hard to write my grant not knowing if I’m going to have a job. I’m scared and overwhelmed. I’m tired and frustrated. All the fathomless amounts of money that are wasted here, and I have the skills to actually make a difference in both patient care and hospital economics, and they don’t know if they want me.

It’s dark and frustrating and vile. All of it. I’m so deeply tired of fighting for a job.

It can be difficult, in the frustrating times like this, to look around and be grateful for what I have. But the truth is, I have a lot. For now, I have a job I like, and there’s a good chance I’ll keep it. I have a home and a side consulting gig (which is coming to an end) and a fancy-sounding title (“Adjunct Assistant Professor of Emergency Medicine”)  at a well-regarded university. I have the ability to be engaged in my own life. I am not just a spectator as life whizzes on by. I am an effective participant.

Yes there are aspects I can’t control. Yes those concern and disturb me. Yes, I spend a great deal of effort and suffer a great deal of anxiety about all of it. But I have opportunity. I will be ok. Probably. And most crucially of all, I’ll be sober.