A Peculiar Glowing Sensation.
So, I’ve begun seeing someone. I’m not going to go into any great detail here about the actual relationship. Even on a confessional blog of this sort, there are private matters. But I think it’s appropriate to catalog my emotions and sensations. The beginning of a relationship is bewildering. I fluctuate between giddiness and excitement and a strange terrible fear that it’s all going to end in seconds, before it even gets going. Between thrill and terror.
My general fear when dating, these days, has been that it will be discovered that I am an alcoholic too soon. Before a woman has gotten to know me at all. That she’ll fasten her mind to that fact and abandon any attempts to get to know me; the me that is here not alongside my alcoholism, not despite it, but because of it. The grown-up, responsible, free and excited-to-be-alive me that inhabits this poor flesh because I have addressed my disease. But with this woman, that isn’t an issue. She is already well acquainted with alcoholism (though she is not an alcoholic). My sobriety is not a factor for her.
She is an academic. Her field is a long ways from mine, and I frankly don’t understand it when she talks about her work. But she’s excited by it, and it’s interesting to hear the plain-language version of her research. She’s also into fitness, which is good for me. We’ve been running together some. I was afraid that I wouldn’t like running with a partner. Matching speeds seemed like it would be difficult. But she runs at a similar pace to me. I can’t keep up with her on a short tempo run, but when we go out for 3-6 miles, it feels like we set the same pace. My fear, rooted in my inability to connect on a fitness-level with my ex-wife, was misplaced. She cooks amazingly and appreciates my music. She’s funny and also laughs at my jokes. We seem to enjoy similar things.
Because it’s new and fresh and strange, I’ve been skipping my Sunday meeting to see her. I need to not do that too much. And I’ve talked with her about it. She’s totally understanding. She gets that my sobriety has to be well-maintained. If I don’t do that, there’s little point in trying to have a relationship. Anything that comes before my sobriety I am going to lose.
So. I am seeing a lovely young woman. She’s beautiful and brilliant. It’s been going on about a month. I’m excited. My old fears of not being good enough surface regularly and vehemently. What if she discovers what I’m really like? What if she doesn’t? What if I’m already being the me I want to be, and she likes that person? What then? What now? What if this is real the way it feels real?
I am finding myself drowning in riches of the spirit. My career is apparently flourishing. I have an exciting romance. I love the city I have newly established myself in. I am sober and reasonably sane. I have done no deeds that deserve this. I doubt such deeds exist. But I am working hard to earn the things that I already seem to have. Whatever it is, out there, that seems to be blessing me, I shall endeavor to be worthy of.