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Tiny Little Crises.

25 July 2014

Jesus I’m tired of myself. I’m tired of wanting to be right. Tired of wanting people to agree with me. Tired of arguing and striving. I’m doing it completely wrong. All of it.

When I first got sober, there was an enormous relief that I felt in so many things. Relief that I didn’t have to be right for the whole world anymore. Relief that I didn’t have to care if other people were right or wrong. Relief that I didn’t have to lie and struggle and remember who I’d told which lie to. Relief that I could simply be clear and calm and restive in my mind and heart.

I’m wrenching myself into knots again. Struggling with people. People who know more than I do. It’s so easy for me to feel like I have some secret knowledge that other people don’t have. I don’t. I’m the same puffed-up know-it-all I was when I was twelve. And just like when I was twelve, I don’t actually know very much.

I’m turning forty in a minute. My life is around half over. I have a wonderful partner and a good career and I’m tying myself into knots worrying about things I have no influence on, and no real knowledge about. I’m still acting like a child, indignant and insistent and spoiled and unaware.

I know a few things. I know how to help someone who wants to recover from alcoholism recover from alcoholism. The way I know isn’t the only way. But it’s a way that worked for me and many others. I need to stop worrying about anything else, when it comes to recovery. I can help who I can help. And I don’t have much to say about anything else.

Of course, my lack of knowledge hasn’t stopped me from spouting off and being stupid. I hope I do less of it now than I used to, but I still do far too much.

A lot of people I care about are going through trials that are greatly burdensome. I can’t help any of them with it.

I am utterly and completely powerless over other people. Over my relationship with alcohol. Over the tribulations of my loved ones. I can choose only to engage or disengage. Fight and lose, or surrender and be free. There is no victory in struggling for me. I do not have access to the kind of life where battles are fought and won.

I am tired. I am tired of manufacturing these tiny little crises. I need to let go.

4 Comments leave one →
  1. 25 July 2014 12:12

    One of the things I found when I entered my 40’s is that I began to realize that I can let go of all of life’s battles. I found that all of those things I thought I could control took way to much of my energy. It just wasn’t worth it anymore. You are already starting to see that. Don’t lose that insight.

  2. 25 July 2014 16:08

    You’re already into the solution by being conscious of your thoughts and actions.

  3. Syd permalink
    26 July 2014 11:16

    Amen to all of that. I struggle with wanting to step in to give advice. I am best when I keep my mouth shut. But you are aware and that’s good.

  4. sciencegeeka permalink
    28 July 2014 19:04

    I’ve found, that when I look around at the people that I think know everything, I realize that if we are all measured using the whole yardstick of human knowledge, all of us barely encompass the first millimeter. Sure, I might know more virology that you do, but you know more about other things. It evens out. As our personalities and our interactions, our knowledge has an ebb and flow. I think that being able to manage that others know more than us in a specific subject is what will eventually bring about world peace, not because everyone knows or thinks the same thing, but because we can recognize in others what we don’t know ourselves.

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