My Stupid Ego.
Wow. Yesterday evening, a couple of major traffic-movers on twitter tweeted my blog post about “That Shirt”, and I ended up getting thousands and thousands of hits. Far more than anything this blog has ever seen before. It was exciting. I watched my stats move and kept up with my twitter stream, and was very excited about all these people reading my writing.
I started to have stupid fantasies of being asked to write books and stuff. It is very gratifying to have people read my writing. It was especially gratifying to have people tweeting that it was good and right and appropriate and essentially agreeing with me. There was almost no negative blowback. And on twitter, everything gets negative blowback.
But a careful examination of my stats shows that the interest in the piece relevant to the issue of the day had almost no translation into people going on and reading other things I wrote. People were interesting in the topic. I happened to write something of general interest to the topic. Almost no one ended up reading anything else.
But the truth is, that’s just as well. Ego is not good for me. I suffer from extremes of ego, swinging between thinking I’m the very best or the very worst of whatever. I have been, these last several years, attempting to navigate a path in the center, a more measured tone, and a more gentle treatment of myself. When centered, I am far from harm. Excesses of ego, high or low, lead to disruption, to feelings of worthlessness or invulnerability. Either of those is probably three steps closer to a drink than I ever want to be.
It was nice that a whole lot of people thought I wrote something valuable on a topic of relevance this November. Now, I have a simulation to write and a paper to revise. I’m not special. And as much as I sometimes want to be special, being special isn’t good for me. The reason I write here is to try to connect, and I’m glad I did that on this occasion. Maybe someone who needs it will discover that I write about alcoholism, and I’ll be able to help them. That would be nice.