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Fear and Anxiety.

23 December 2014

I’m typing this on my phone so it’ll be brief. I’m on my way to the hospital this morning to get an ultrasound on my groin to see if I have a hernia. I know that the imaging is no big deal and I’m not worried about the procedure. I’m scared because my doctor things I might actually have a hernia.

Yep. Yesterday, a 50-something physician pawed around at my groin region and told me he felt something g he shouldn’t have. So now I’m going to the big fancy hospital in town to let someone else paw around at my groin with a magic wand. As BB says, “whale song for my balls”.

I don’t know how long it takes. I don’t know what to expect. I don’t know when I get the results. I’m generally nervous and unhappy. Especially because the treatment for a hernia is surgery. And I want surgery like I want a hole in my groin.

But it is what it is. Part of my program is facing the truth of the world honestly and with my eyes open. I cannot afford denial. I cannot afford to let my nature, which wants to run and hide and hope it gets better, take over. I’ve been sick and indolent and delusional. I’m not going back.

Im especially scared of a surgery that would require me to choose between pain and an addictive pain medicine. I hope I’ll choose pain. Please help me choose pain. Tears in my eyes in the coffee shop, I’m praying for the strength to choose pain.

But that’s not where I am today. Today I’m just going to the hospital. To let a stranger whack at my junk with a magic wand. To find out. And then go from there.


UPDATE: The ultrasound was negative. The radiologist neither sees nor feels a hernia upon direct examination. I’m probably fine. Now I have a lot of emotional energy to bleed off.

4 Comments leave one →
  1. 23 December 2014 09:15

    You will be amazed and surprised at how well you can handle the pain when you have to face it. I don’t know enough about what is/isn’t addictive but assuming you can have general or local anesthesia for the process itself, your body can handle the rest. After a few surgeries I realized that the standard morphine/Vicodin/Percocet drugs they give you post-surgery all induce migraine-like symptoms in me, so I did my past surgery without them. The fear I had about the pain was a thousand times worse than the actual pain itself – your body will surprise you. Good luck… you can do it!

  2. castille permalink
    23 December 2014 10:25

    Many folks do okay on OTC pain relievers. And with luck, and properly resting afterwards, that could be you. But it’s also okay if it’s not. Pain is not the only option here. It’s not a relapse. But pretty anxiety provoking, no doubt. Talk to the anesthesiologist about your fears, hear his/her recommendations, have your script filled even if you’re hoping you don’t need them, in case you do. And have someone else possess and control the pills who can give you one if needed. Approach it with emotional preparation, and also a plan. And a back-up plan. And a worse-case-scenario plan. Work through the what-ifs and how you’re tough enough, and perfectly capable of rising to those challenges. You’ve proven that in all the personal improvements you’ve undertaken. Hopefully that can begin to address the anxiety.

  3. Syd permalink
    23 December 2014 13:59

    I’m glad that there is no hernia. So it’s all good right now. Makes me glad that you didn’t have to go through any more anxiety. NSAIDs like Advil and Extra Strength Tylenol work for most pain.

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