Fear and Anxiety.
I’m typing this on my phone so it’ll be brief. I’m on my way to the hospital this morning to get an ultrasound on my groin to see if I have a hernia. I know that the imaging is no big deal and I’m not worried about the procedure. I’m scared because my doctor things I might actually have a hernia.
Yep. Yesterday, a 50-something physician pawed around at my groin region and told me he felt something g he shouldn’t have. So now I’m going to the big fancy hospital in town to let someone else paw around at my groin with a magic wand. As BB says, “whale song for my balls”.
I don’t know how long it takes. I don’t know what to expect. I don’t know when I get the results. I’m generally nervous and unhappy. Especially because the treatment for a hernia is surgery. And I want surgery like I want a hole in my groin.
But it is what it is. Part of my program is facing the truth of the world honestly and with my eyes open. I cannot afford denial. I cannot afford to let my nature, which wants to run and hide and hope it gets better, take over. I’ve been sick and indolent and delusional. I’m not going back.
Im especially scared of a surgery that would require me to choose between pain and an addictive pain medicine. I hope I’ll choose pain. Please help me choose pain. Tears in my eyes in the coffee shop, I’m praying for the strength to choose pain.
But that’s not where I am today. Today I’m just going to the hospital. To let a stranger whack at my junk with a magic wand. To find out. And then go from there.
UPDATE: The ultrasound was negative. The radiologist neither sees nor feels a hernia upon direct examination. I’m probably fine. Now I have a lot of emotional energy to bleed off.