An Alcoholic’s St. Patrick’s Day.

I guess this is the seventh March 17th in a row I’ll be sober. I have nearly no memory of St. Patrick’s Day as a drunk. Not because I was too drunk to recall, but because I never bothered to note it. I was a daily drinker. In the 5 years prior to my getting sober, I bet there were only 5-10 days I didn’t drink at all. And probably only 15-20 I didn’t get drunk. So for me, there was nothing special about the holiday. But for many other drunks, holidays were really special.

First of all, let’s dispense with the notion that all alcoholics drink or drank the way I did. Yes, I was a pretty common archetype, but there are no rules when it comes to alcoholic drinking. Science and medicine have defined “abuse” and “dependency” and those are useful for studying physiologic effects, etc.. But they don’t define alcoholism the way we do. The way that’s important for recovering from alcoholism. There are alcoholics who drink every day, like me. There are alcoholics who drink monthly. The frequency and the amount don’t define an alcoholic. We tend to use this:

When you drink, can you reliably predict and control how much you’ll have? Do you drink more than you want to, and do things that wish you wouldn’t?

People who answer yes to these questions may or may not be identified as alcohol abusers or alcohol dependent. But they are likely in need of recovery, lest they end up suffering severe consequences in their lives, and cause irreparable harm in the lives of others. Which is why people like this, like me, tend to hide their drinking. We pour vodka into coke cans, we hide bottles around the house. We fill the gin bottle back up with water. All the little things that add up to attempting to conceal how bad the problem is.

St. Patrick’s Day, and other drinking holidays (which, let’s be honest, is most of them), allow us to throw off the cloak. It’s socially acceptable to get drunk today! No one can hector us and criticize us. The whole world is drunk today! Why shouldn’t we be as well?

The answer, of course, is long and categorical. First of all, we alcoholics manage to get far too drunk even for other drunks. We ruin even things that are centered around inebriation. I’ve done my share of that. And yours. And as well, when we are able to drink in public, instead of in secret, our resentment at having to hide our ordinary drinking often reveals itself in hateful ways. Recriminations against those who love us but who want us to be different. Against bartenders who think we’ve had enough. Against decorum and society itself.

But I preferred the closet. Or strangers. I preferred to drink around people who wouldn’t judge me. Didn’t hate me. I liked to drink alone and in quiet. I could get what I needed from the alcohol and not have to justify myself to anyone or expose myself to greater risks than I was used to (driving drunk was habitual.).

I find the ridiculous paeans to drunkenness of St. Patrick’s Day mildly annoying, at least at some point during the day. I can often tell who’s spiraling toward irretrievable alcoholism and who’s just having a fun time. Not always. But I’m not tempted by the holiday. I count myself lucky for that. I know lots of sober drunks who really miss it on the manufactured drinking holidays. March 17th. May 5th. I’m fortunate that those have never been stumbling blocks for me.

Because I still like to be alone. Or, now, in intimate company. Real companions, quiet places. I just don’t need the alcohol to be there anymore. So go enjoy your St. Patrick’s Day. Get drunk if you like. I’ll be going to the gym after work, and then relaxing in the bath. Without my booze. Without my razor blade. I have roasted pork loin in the fridge. And a much simpler life than I used to. And a much happier one.