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Rollercoaster 24 Hours.

25 March 2015

The last day has been a real series of ups and downs. Well, a lot of ups yesterday and a big down this morning. Yesterday, I received notice that I won a small grant to do my hospital simulation research. It will have enough money to pay a student intern and attend a conference. I’m incredibly lucky that my research doesn’t have animals or reagents or consumables of any kind. I just need access and some expensive software which I already own.

Then I got some much-needed data from a collaborator. This is really exciting because I get to be middle author on a very cool project. I would be justified in putting myself first or last (I’m going to do most of the data analysis and write the manuscript), but I’m going to make our project lead the first author. She’s never done any publishing. She led a hell of a project. And she’s eager to learn more and demonstrate herself in a new arena. It’s exciting to put her first. And frankly, my CV will be bolstered by a few middle-author papers. Right now, I’m first or senior on almost all my papers. I need more in the way of “plays well with others”.

I had a good run after a long day of work. A little more than four miles. My legs were a little tired, but I eased up around mile 1.5, and was able to put in a good 40 minute run only two days after finishing what was, for me, a very fast half-marathon. Today I run again, same distance, same speed. Trying to keep my legs and aim for sustained, long-term fitness. Managing fitness is a lot like managing sobriety. I have to do the things I have to do in order to stay where I want to be. Sometimes that feels arduous, sometimes it’s fabulous. But it’s simple and straightforward.

And then, this morning, I didn’t get in to the Marine Corps Marathon. BB did. She has a bib. I don’t. And I’m very, very sad. I feel really crushed right now. I wasn’t expecting not to get it, and I really wasn’t expecting to feel this bad if I didn’t. I’m sad and feel kind of hopeless and miserable. I know it will pass rapidly. There are other ways to get bibs. More expensive. They require luck too. I’m tempted to just snap-signup for a different fall marathon to fix it. But that would be a mistake.

I need to sit with my disappointment. Experience my emotions. I always drank to avoid feeling. I thought emotions were for weak people who couldn’t apply logic and stoicism. Now, I’ve realized that acknowledging and experiencing emotions is a sign of real strength. Façades of (usually male) bravado and perfectly even-keeled temperament are just ways to hide fears of weakness and vulnerability. But I’ve found that real vulnerability isn’t a weakness.

So today I’m sad about a thing that isn’t really a huge deal. Just a thing I wanted. I’ll find another marathon to run, or another way to run this one. And I’ll be perfectly ok. Because not getting to run one’s first choice of recreational marathons isn’t a real problem. It’s only barely a pretend problem. But I still get to be sad. I get to be me.

2 Comments leave one →
  1. Potnia Theron permalink
    25 March 2015 07:52

    Strong dude, you are very very strong.

  2. 25 March 2015 10:58

    We’re all posting about living with emotions today… must be in the ether… good post – sit with it better than running from it of changing it artificially

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