I just renewed this domain name for another year. I’m not entirely sure why. I’m beginning to feel more and more the way I felt several years ago when I deleted my Facebook account. I’m not really enjoying my online experience. I’m not contributing what I’d like to contribute. I’m not making wise investments of time or energy. As a result, I’m not getting the kind of returns I want to get.
My life is objectively good. I’m usually happy. I have little to write about. I have a lot of work to do in the next three months. I’ll have less time than usual to write here and elsewhere. But I’m starting to think that’s ok. For six years I’ve been writing about sobriety and work and relationships and running and health and travel. A big, stupid diary for the world to read. I’m not sure why I ever thought the world should want to read it.
I’m tired. All the work I’ve put in, and I’m a mediocre engineer and researcher. All the running and working and I’m still flabby and slow and soft. I have to work harder. In all my things, I have to work harder. To get where I want to be, I need to go further and harder. And that’s at odds with my great indolence.
It’s too hard for me to control what I eat. It’s too hard for me to work hours without stopping. I don’t think as well as I used to. I lost so much intellect through drinking. I squandered so much time and thought. I hurt so many people and I surrendered so much industry to liquor. I will never be what I might have been. I wonder who that person is?
It’s spring. It’s spring and I’m a little lost. All these little green things erupting from the ground and I am simply dull grey waste.