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Tired.

6 April 2015

I just renewed this domain name for another year. I’m not entirely sure why. I’m beginning to feel more and more the way I felt several years ago when I deleted my Facebook account. I’m not really enjoying my online experience. I’m not contributing what I’d like to contribute. I’m not making wise investments of time or energy. As a result, I’m not getting the kind of returns I want to get.

My life is objectively good. I’m usually happy. I have little to write about. I have a lot of work to do in the next three months. I’ll have less time than usual to write here and elsewhere. But I’m starting to think that’s ok. For six years I’ve been writing about sobriety and work and relationships and running and health and travel. A big, stupid diary for the world to read. I’m not sure why I ever thought the world should want to read it.

I’m tired. All the work I’ve put in, and I’m a mediocre engineer and researcher. All the running and working and I’m still flabby and slow and soft. I have to work harder. In all my things, I have to work harder. To get where I want to be, I need to go further and harder. And that’s at odds with my great indolence.

It’s too hard for me to control what I eat. It’s too hard for me to work hours without stopping. I don’t think as well as I used to. I lost so much intellect through drinking. I squandered so much time and thought. I hurt so many people and I surrendered so much industry to liquor. I will never be what I might have been. I wonder who that person is?

It’s spring. It’s spring and I’m a little lost. All these little green things erupting from the ground and I am simply dull grey waste.

7 Comments leave one →
  1. Harlow permalink
    6 April 2015 09:45

    Hang in there.

  2. 6 April 2015 10:12

    Hi Infactorium,

    This tone from you is new to me. Sorry to hear that you are having a difficult time. I’m currently off to a join some friends so not a lot of time for emotional support but when reading your post I thought you might want to also, one of these days look into Eric Berg his post on youtube on eating, health and losing weight. It is my strong believe that people who are emotionally, spirtualy, physically and mind-wise healthy do not crave and make healthy choices when it comes to food, excercise, living in general. Trying to fix craving based on will power or knowledge only is difficult. It is a lot easier when we take the body along and give it the things it is lacking which cause the cravings. Beer craving e.g. is caused by a lack of magnesium, so is chocolate. Guess what I overdose on since I quit…. 😦 This week I will try to start to deal with no chocolate – no sugar.
    Eric Berg knows a lot of stuff on how the body works and maybe you can find something in there. Also dr. Mathews Larson her book has helped me a lot with repairing my body after drinking. If you are interested you might want to read past her anger towards AA – that is not very attractive but the rest of the book sure is. 🙂
    I read somewhere it is important to continue doing the things that got you sober. Maybe it is not about the result sometimes, maybe it is about the path to the result?
    It’s a bit an impersonal reply but still, hope it brings you something.
    xx, Feeling

  3. Syd permalink
    6 April 2015 14:41

    I believe the feeling will pass. My victim mentality can rise up when I least suspect it. I know to inventory what is happening with my thoughts. A mini-fourth step will help.

  4. Beth M. permalink
    7 April 2015 20:20

    I found your blog a few weeks ago and read every last post, and look forward to your new ones. I haven’t commented, because I don’t feel like I have anything to contribute, but you’ve given me a lot to think about. I’m just getting started exploring 12-step programs and am feeling a lot of resistance to some of the language and concepts. I’ve found your perspective to be so valuable in this process. So, I’m grateful to know your posts will still be here for another year for me to read and re-read when I’m hoping for a bit of insight from someone who’s been down this path, even if you’ve decided to spend your time on other endeavors rather than posting regularly. So, for what it’s worth, thank you for renewing the domain. I suspect your posts have helped more people than you might realize.

  5. cm1901 permalink
    11 April 2015 10:23

    Ah, the Spring was always hard for me. This is the season when I feel most depressed. Hang in there, and get your thoughts down.

  6. Kaleena permalink
    5 May 2015 20:48

    The “already wasted too much time in life” rings true to me.

    I’m not a regular reader but just wanna say hi there and hello! Thinking of you!! 🙂

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