Anxiety Creeping Up.
I am really looking forward to my vacation next week. Like, really. I’m not doing any incredible international travel or anything. I’m just going home to St. Louis for five days. I have to check on my house there that I’m renting out, which likely needs a new roof. Luckily, St. Louis is a relatively cheap town for housing repair; it’s a cheap labor city. So it will be reasonably affordable to get it done, I hope. And of course, when you rent out a house, repairs are tax deductible. Which means that come next April/May, I’ll get some of it back. That house has been so bulletproof for so long that I’m starting to get scared that a bunch of things are going to happen at once.
Work anxiety is up a little bit too. We’re hiring someone to help me, and now I’m afraid: what happens if I don’t have enough work for them to do? What if I have to work a huge amount harder because of them? Why am I being ambitious here? Shouldn’t I just shut up, keep my head down, and do the work that I can do and do it quietly? Maybe that would be the better way to go. Maybe it would be the best thing for my recovery. Don’t be too ambitious. Find a quiet spot where I can settle into a calm, relaxed career.
But I’m looking forward to going back to St. Louis. I’ll be going to a baseball game with Lawn Boy and Jimmy Legs. I’ll be seeing my old shrink, and my old marriage counselor each, for a check in. I expect to cry a lot. Which will be good for me, I think. And I’m going to go to my AA Men’s Meeting next Wednesday. And boy will that be good. I miss the hell out of those guys. I like my men’s meeting here in ECC, but the group of guys at the Lindell Club Wednesday night is special.
And I’ll be running in St. Louis. Marathon training doesn’t pause for vacation. This past weekend BB and I ran a 14.4 miler, which basically ties for my longest run ever. According to my GPS, I missed my longest run ever by about 30 yards. We did it in about 2:34, which means that even in the heat and humidity of midsummer, we’re running much faster than 15 months ago when we ran our first half marathon. 10% further in 4 fewer minutes. But I know that this weekend will be a challenge. 15 miles without BB running beside me for inspiration will be very difficult.
BB leaves for Iceland Friday evening. She’ll be there for a week, running trails and so forth. I expect she’ll have the world’s best time, though traveling “alone” (she’ll be with a running group) can be lonely sometimes. I know that I’ll be lonely without her. We’ve spoken nearly every single day since we first met. I think we might’ve missed one while I was in London last summer. Next week, we’ll certainly miss several days while she is in the Icelandic wilderness. Apparently, the geniuses in Reykjavik haven’t finished installing the wifi tundra routers yet.
Things are good. But I definitely need time to rest, recuperate, and unload. I’m looking forward to time with old friends and familiar places.