Skip to content

Decision Making – Learning the Hard Way.

1 February 2016

I had a bit of an anxious breakdown about the house sale this past week. I signed a contract with a buyer, and then was immediately wracked with the inability to sleep because I felt I’d been less than completely forthcoming about my disclosures. I was terrified that they’d find something, I’d get sued, and there would be a total clusterfuck. So I updated my disclosures and sent them to the buyer.

The buyer terminated. I’m quite happy they did (there was also a question over a tax issue). I felt that I had broken trust and I didn’t want to negotiate a sale with a buyer that didn’t trust me. That’s just setting myself up for a disaster. So now I have a clean slate, a completely forthcoming disclosure, and a clear conscience. But my process meant that I had to go through a deep and difficult bout of anxiety.

This happens to me a lot. I make bad decisions, like deciding to disclose things on my house in a slippery way, because I rationalize to myself that I’ll get what I want. Then my anxiety spikes, I can’t sleep, I panic, and I have to set things right. My honesty is subject to my fear and misery. Without that panic, I would not be thorough. That’s not a good way to be. But I suppose it’s better than just not giving a shit at all.

Sobriety requires rigorous honesty. And we alcoholics, including me personally, are liars. I have come to work hard at my honesty, and I often fail, like I did here. I wish I didn’t need the salt blast of terror and misery to come around to the honest way. But I did, and I do. And I don’t seem to learn from it. It takes the same thing every time. Maybe one day I’ll learn to avert the anxiety, and not just react to it.

No comments yet

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s