Another Setback.

My run this Sunday – 15 miles – was another setback. It was warm again, but not terribly. Humid. But I had to briefly walk at miles 10, 12, and 14. Overall pace was 11:39 – slower than my marathon pace last year. I’m not fit, and not mentally tough. I’m in real trouble for my marathon, and I have a week in Rome upcoming when I’ll likely not be able to train as much. So I’ll be set even further back.

I’m feeling malaise at work, overwhelmed with crap, so I’m not getting my actual work done. I’m lost and bored. I fantasize about finding a new job. The work I was hired to do and am theoretically supposed to be doing is interesting and fun. The day-to-day realities of my job are becoming stifling. I hate management. And that’s what’s expanding. To the detriment of my other duties, which I enjoy.

I’m feeling stagnant and immobile in a lot of parts of my life. I’m not sure what to do next. I’d like to make some kind of progress. I’d like to be somehow in a new situation. I don’t know if that means personally or professionally or what. I look around and I’m feeling sludgy. A bungler. I don’t know what I want and I don’t feel comfortable with the direction I’m being pointed by factors I’m unsure of my level of influence upon.

What’s to be done? I don’t know. I’m not sure anything is. Maybe this is just the doldrums. I’m not as good at anything as I’d like. I have an enviable life I’m dissatisfied with. I’m still and uncomfortable. Fat and soft and slow. Stupid. Angry. Useless.