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Sunday Long Run.

18 November 2016

Well, the weekend is upon us, and I have a 26.2 mile long run this Sunday. I’m nervous. It’s a long way to go and I don’t feel like my nutrition this week has been up to the challenge. Anxiety, which can spiral in me and ruin my appetite and my sleep. Sleep has been better the past few days, but my eating is still screwy. I did eat some rice and fish with veggies last night, and that’s a good thing. And some chicken.

Physically, my body is fit. I did an easy workout yesterday to tune up and stretch out. That was good. I feel better after I work out, for a little while anyway. I’m trying to remember how I felt during my divorce. I was constantly terrified that I would be dragged through a years-long legal process. That didn’t happen. I catastrophize a lot. I look at the world and my situation in it and I see the worst of all possible things happening, and no way to influence it. I’m always wrong.

But I still need to find a way to move forward in peace. To address the anxiety and fear and find a path forward for myself I can live with, and in. I don’t know how to do that right now. I’m hopeful that completing another marathon will remind me of my ability to take on big challenges and succeed. My problem is I don’t like uncertainty. It interferes with my ability to function normally both physically and emotionally. And intellectually.

And I can’t control the uncertainty in the world. Perhaps the prior sense of it was always illusory.

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