Ten Days and a Lot of Anxiety.

Well, it’s ten days until my Olympic triathlon. I do not feel ready. Yesterday I did a 4 mile run in 80 degree weather and 80% humidity. At least I tried to. I made it 5k before I had to walk, and do intervals the rest of the way home. Drenched and overheated and with a heart rate of 186. Of course I’d also been running at a 9:50 pace, which isn’t fast but is apparently too fast for the conditions.

It’s hard for me to slow down when I don’t have BB to pace me. I go too fast, and end up dying. I’m not in shape and I’m worried. There’s no time left to get into shape. I’ll finish, no doubt about that. But I’m going to be walking a lot of the 10k I think. I wish I wouldn’t have to. Last year I jogged the whole 10k even though it was 95 degrees and very humid.

Tonight I have a 25 mile ride, and then I’m going to do a run, even though it’s not on my schedule. I need the extra boost and ten days out is about the last chance to get it. After that your body just doesn’t incorporate what you do fast enough to make a difference on race day. At least, mine doesn’t. You fight with the army you’ve got. And this body is the one I have to race with. I’ll do what I can.

Managing anxiety is difficult. For races, it’s about setting expectations and making a choice to be happy with finishing, since competing is out of my realm of possibility. I can do well for who I am and where I am. But I cannot measure myself against those that are more talented, fitter, and better trained than I am. I simply cannot do what they do. I will never be able to. That’s ok.

The best way to manage anxiety is to work against the things that make me anxious. If I’m anxious about my weight and fitness, I should lose weight and gain fitness. I can do that. It’s hard but I can do it. I remain anxious about my house and the various water problems it had, but I addressed the known issues and I haven’t seen any water intrusion in almost 18 months. I keep reminding myself, like a mantra, “water always shows itself”. If it’s going to leak, I’m going to see it.

Currently the forecast for triathlon Sunday is pretty good: high of 82, low humidity. I can race in those conditions. There are supposed to be storms early Friday. Sometimes those kick up the river, and make it too polluted or impart too much of a current to swim in for the race. Hopefully it won’t happen. But it might turn into a duathlon. That’s always a risk with outdoor swimming. If that happens, it’ll be a 5k run, then the bike, then a 5k run again.

But the facts as we know them are simple: I will succeed or I will fail. Probably the former. It will be difficult. I will do the best I can. And that is all I can do. Hopefully the best I can will be good enough. If it isn’t, then I will work on improving what the best I can is.