Sleeplessness.

Last night I awoke at about 4:30am and couldn’t get back to sleep. I finally got up at 6:30am, and headed in to work. It is vanishingly rare for me to suffer insomnia. My general sleep disturbance is nocturia, but I can go back to sleep in literally moments almost all nights. But for the past four or five nights, I’ve awoken with panic attacks, heart palpitations, headache and rumination. However, my sleep is disturbed for a very good reason.

I was told yesterday by PECMC that if my references are adequate that I would receive a formal offer within 48 hours. They run their references through a web service, and it informs me when they’ve gone through. They told me that they wanted three references, and they have now received three references. I expect to get the phone call from them with an offer today or tomorrow. The human resources woman I spoke to what competent, bright, and excited (or did a good impression of it.). She left no room for confusion. The offer is dependent upon my references, of course, but they are intending to make me an offer.

So did also say that I would have a background check and fingerprint. Which means my DUI will come up. Which means I’ll have to deal with that. I’ll deal with that. I can’t change the past, so I’ll deal with the present, as it happens. I cannot predict how they will react to it. But I can be prepared. It was nearly seven years ago, and I’ve had no issues since then. My sponsor (who is also trained as an addiction counselor) has said he’ll act as a character reference, as has my colleague at ECU, who knew me back when I drank. I can only let things unfold as they unfold.

So I’m afraid and uneasy. I want this job very, very badly. I’m scared of change and of moving and of all kinds of things. Will I sell my house? Rent it out? Let it crumble to ruin? All of these are good options. It’s a blessing to have too many options rather than too few. How will I find a new place? I’ve talked to people who live there and lived there. I’ll figure it out, I know. It’ll be exhausting and frightening and confusing and I’ll do it.

A friend here in AA told me that he has a good friend in the program in ECC, and that he can get me hooked up with good meetings. That’s important. My goal is to take in a lot of meetings for the first few months I’m there, in order to establish myself and get a firm foothold on the recovery scene. These days I go to two meetings a week. After I divorced, I kicked that up to five or six for a couple of months. Then three for a long time. It’ll be important to establish a strong foundation in a new city, to embrace the AA community there and make friends.

But I don’t want to get ahead of myself. I don’t have the official offer yet. I have only a stated intention to make one pending references. Which they now have. So. Wish me luck. Again. Please. Your support has been outstanding.