Back to Center.
I give up. I am pulling back from things I tried to force because I wanted to be popular and important. I like being popular. I like people respecting me and wanting to be around me. But none of that is good for me. Pursuing it is not good for my ego, and I don’t like the me I become when I do it. I don’t need to be spotlighted.
I struggle over and over with this. I feel like I’ve written this same post half a dozen times. That’s ok. I learn slowly, and it takes me time to understand what I’ve done wrong. Recently, I’ve been trying to have my opinion valued by people who don’t value other people’s opinions. I want them to consider my thoughts and experience, despite knowing that that’s not what they do.
I want to be important. But import rapidly becomes a negative quality in me. When I start struggling to make myself heard, I am struggling with my own sense of worth. I try to bolster it externally, by convincing others of it. As if their opinion of me could change how I feel about myself.
Sobriety is in large part a journey of serenity. I seek peace of mind first of all. But I’m easily confused. I can convince myself that I will achieve peace of mind by having people agree with me, and value my ideas. But external gratification is a phantom. Being validated is ephemeral. Finding serenity and peace can only be achieved by looking within.
I do not need to convince others of my value, of my opinion. Because I do not need to be right. I do not need to have influence. I am not important, and that’s a good thing. I need to return to my center. My peace is found in recognizing my limits, not striving against others, and doing the good that is available for me to do. And to do that, I need to remove myself from some places that I don’t belong.