Everything is Slower than I Want.
I’m in an impatient place at the moment. My anxiety has been off the charts lately, about everything. Health, home, work. I’m disappointed at how rapidly my fitness falls off when I take a break. Even just a few weeks off and I feel like I’m substantially degraded from my peak at the end of November. And I’ve been injured.
My big injury from the scooter crash is mostly healed. My knee will need a couple of months before it’s back to normal, but it’s just a scab at this point, and doesn’t hurt unless I kneel on something hard. My ribs, which were significantly bruised, are at about 95% now, and I can do things like push-ups without shrieking in unholy agony. But I also have a more enigmatic injury.
I pulled something or tore something or did something to my right lower abdomen. Reasonably close to where it would be, I think, if it were a hernia. It doesn’t hurt, exactly. It’s just there. And has been for a month now. I’m terrified and very anxious that it’s a small hernia. But it doesn’t seem to fit what I know about hernias in other ways.
It doesn’t, for example, have any bulging or hurt a lot. It seemed to get better after a two week rest, but then got worse again when I started running and working out again. But the truth is, I don’t really know much about hernias, and so I don’t know if this is one or isn’t. I should probably go see my doctor. And I will if it doesn’t get better. I did a good hard workout yesterday, including a bunch of stuff that hit my abs, and it feels fine today (though it is not gone, just there, but not painful).
So I’m annoyed that I’m injured and not healing rapidly. I’ve been working on doing pull-ups for about two months now, and I can do two sets of eight, as long as I have a support strap assisting me. I still can’t do one with no assist. I’m getting stronger, slowly but surely, but it takes time. I’m just vaguely disappointed that it’s so hard to get into shape, but easy to get out of shape.
Getting reasonably fit has been, now, nearly a four year process. In that time I’ve dropped 55 pounds, and gone from being able to run a quarter-mile to being able to run 14 miles. Now, of course I could have done that faster and better by being scientific and disciplined about it from the outset. But I did it the way I’ve done everything: idiosyncratically, foolishly, haphazardly. Without direction or plan. It’s worked, mostly.
Now that I have a partner who actually understands how to train and improve rapidly, I’ve make great strides in a short time by following her advice (mostly). That’s wonderful. And I’m now in a place where the training needs to be more disciplined because it really is easy to injure yourself when running for hours at a time. And I suck at that discipline.
I want it to be fast. Just like I wanted to suddenly be 20 years sober, and wise. Learning how to slow down and enjoy the journey is hard for me. I can see it in the way I run, versus the way BB runs. When I run, I stare at the pavement 6 feet in front of me. BB looks around and sees things, like deer and other people and bicycles about to run us down.
I’m tempted to say, “I need to do a better job of enjoying my journey.” But that’s placing more pressure on myself. I should relent and let go of needing to do a better job. Relax. Let myself miss things, let myself be imperfect. Here is my life. This is my time. Pause. Breathe. And then run.