Wither Serenity?

One of the reasons those of us who get sober do is that we become exhausted with being “restless, irritable, and discontent”. We’re seeking peace. That’s one reason that the program puts so much emphasis on prayer and meditation. Those things center us and help us calm ourselves. They practice an ancient art of self-soothing that goes back probably to the dawn of consciousness in early homonids.

Right now I’m dealing with a lot of restlessness, irritability, and discontentment. My anxiety is in high gear because of the house next to mine being built right now, and thus the water drainage being screwy resulting in water in my basement every time it rains. This bothers me a great deal. Once the foundations are no longer exposed and the concrete poured, it should be fixed, but it’s really getting on my nerves.

My work is good, but I’m feeling stymied by the intellectual contribution I can make right now. I’m getting bored with simulating clinics over and over, and I’d like to do something with broader impacts and more innovation and discovery. I’m just feeling like my job is a little monotonous. I applied for a faculty gig at a large self-sustaining department at MECMC that has connections with VFU. I doubt I’ll get it – in part because it’s at the associate professor level, but I can at least try. They had already invited me to talk, and so now it becomes a sort of preliminary job talk.

I’m gaining weight despite my fitness being on track. I can do seven chin-ups in a row! My strength is good, my speed is good, my  endurance is good. I’m just eating too much. I had my annual work-health screen today, and my numbers were ok. I’m still staving off diabetes. Fasting glucose of 106 and A1c of 5.7. Both of those numbers could be better but neither is in the diabetic range, and they’re not meaningfully moved from last year. My cholesterol was up a tad from last year, but my triglycerides are still unreadably low. And my blood pressure is quite normal.

I’m just going through a period of malaise and anxiety. I’m managing it, but I feel like I could be doing a better job of doing things I know help lower my anxiety levels: better diligence at work; better eating; meditation; more contact with other drunks in recovery. I joined the Friday mindfulness group at work. And I am setting up a sort of pan-Asian meditation room at home that I can use for mindfulness, reading, and music.

You can’t see the Japanese room-divider or the stereo in this, but they’re there. It’s a small room and so feels a little close, but I’m looking forward to it being kind of cozy and comforting. A place I can relax and focus on being present and relieving myself of my anxiety and frustration. Letting go of things I cannot change.

I need to do more of that. Because life is not letting me change a lot of the things I’d like to change right now.