Emotions are Whacked.
I don’t know what my deal is right now. This weekend I got in a shouting match with a driver while I was running. He ran a red light while I was crossing with a Don’t Walk sign. So, both in the wrong. He was on the phone. Looked right at me. Ran the light. I slapped his car as it went by. He slowed and rolled down his window and started shouting. I shouted back. He had a kid in the car, or I’d have been much more profane. It didn’t stop him. He called me “an ugly motherfucker”.
Yesterday someone tried to text me some money with a new app and I couldn’t make it work and ended up crying, frustrated and exhausted. It’s infuriating that I can’t make the technology work. I’m starting to be too old for this shit. That’s annoying. I’ve never been stellar at tech. Despite having a doctorate in engineering, I’m really not a tech nerd. I just want to solve health care delivery problems.
I’ve been riding high anxiety and subliminal anger for a while now. But hopefully some of the external causes are falling away. The rain downspout on the house next to mine is connected to the storm sewer now. That means that even though the foundation is still exposed it won’t be collecting water from the whole roof and dumping it right at the foundation. I’m hopeful that that means my basement will stay dry. It’ll be a few weeks still before the front sidewalk is poured, which is the eventual fix. But I’m hopeful this is enough for now.
I’ll find out tonight and tomorrow, as there are supposed to be storms rolling through ECC. I’m so tired of this. I’m tired of the house, the water, the anxiety. It’s all so deeply exhausting. I just want to be out of it all. I am going to consider putting it back on the market after the new house is finished and the summer comes. Prices are rising and I’d like to not have this millstone around my neck. Maybe a nice condo would be in order.
But I can’t solve all the problems by focusing externally. I need to be able to figure out how to manage my own emotions and that may mean more meetings, more meditation. I’m going to a hockey game with my sponsor Thursday night, and that’s good time spent among men and in the program. I’ll talk with him about the issues I’ve been having and hopefully get some peace through that fellowship.