Ten Days and a Lot of Anxiety.
Well, it’s ten days until my Olympic triathlon. I do not feel ready. Yesterday I did a 4 mile run in 80 degree weather and 80% humidity. At least I tried to. I made it 5k before I had to walk, and do intervals the rest of the way home. Drenched and overheated and with a heart rate of 186. Of course I’d also been running at a 9:50 pace, which isn’t fast but is apparently too fast for the conditions.
It’s hard for me to slow down when I don’t have BB to pace me. I go too fast, and end up dying. I’m not in shape and I’m worried. There’s no time left to get into shape. I’ll finish, no doubt about that. But I’m going to be walking a lot of the 10k I think. I wish I wouldn’t have to. Last year I jogged the whole 10k even though it was 95 degrees and very humid.
Tonight I have a 25 mile ride, and then I’m going to do a run, even though it’s not on my schedule. I need the extra boost and ten days out is about the last chance to get it. After that your body just doesn’t incorporate what you do fast enough to make a difference on race day. At least, mine doesn’t. You fight with the army you’ve got. And this body is the one I have to race with. I’ll do what I can.
Managing anxiety is difficult. For races, it’s about setting expectations and making a choice to be happy with finishing, since competing is out of my realm of possibility. I can do well for who I am and where I am. But I cannot measure myself against those that are more talented, fitter, and better trained than I am. I simply cannot do what they do. I will never be able to. That’s ok.
The best way to manage anxiety is to work against the things that make me anxious. If I’m anxious about my weight and fitness, I should lose weight and gain fitness. I can do that. It’s hard but I can do it. I remain anxious about my house and the various water problems it had, but I addressed the known issues and I haven’t seen any water intrusion in almost 18 months. I keep reminding myself, like a mantra, “water always shows itself”. If it’s going to leak, I’m going to see it.
Currently the forecast for triathlon Sunday is pretty good: high of 82, low humidity. I can race in those conditions. There are supposed to be storms early Friday. Sometimes those kick up the river, and make it too polluted or impart too much of a current to swim in for the race. Hopefully it won’t happen. But it might turn into a duathlon. That’s always a risk with outdoor swimming. If that happens, it’ll be a 5k run, then the bike, then a 5k run again.
But the facts as we know them are simple: I will succeed or I will fail. Probably the former. It will be difficult. I will do the best I can. And that is all I can do. Hopefully the best I can will be good enough. If it isn’t, then I will work on improving what the best I can is.
I am a Systems Engineer. That’s what I do for a living, and I’m at least reasonably good at it. I specialize in healthcare, so that’s where my general expertise lies from a subject-matter perspective, but at heart I am a methodologist: I have a group of tools I use to study how Complex Systems behave. Hospitals, from a mathematical perspective, are not different from factories, or airports. And they share remarkable similarities with other systems like traffic, economies, ecosystems, and climate.
All of these systems fall into the broad category we call “hybrid dynamic systems (HDS)” (except perhaps climate, which is pretty exclusively a continuous dynamic system – which is a subset of HDSs where the discrete portion is empty… more later). Sufficiently complex HDSs, as I’m sure I’ve written before, are provably intractable. What that means is, there’s no way to write a closed-form equation that will allow you to solve for the system state at any time in the future. This is true even if the system has no random phenomena. But they almost all do, making it even harder.
Most HDSs can be conceptualized as a series of tanks and flows between them. In the case of a hospital, the things flowing may be patients, and the tanks may be inpatient units. Flow comes from admissions, the emergency department, etc.. Patients consume some resources (which flow from a reserve like inventory) and then are eventually discharged. Depending on the granularity of our model, we may be interested in the volume of patients in a unit, or in the whole hospital, or in all the hospitals in San Francisco, or the United States.
Tanks and flows are also good tools to use for modeling climate. Heat and water flow through various tanks like oceans and lakes and the atmosphere. Heat moves like water does (though generally more slowly). Tanks and flows work well for ecosystems too; consider a simple predator-prey model. Two tanks, one of predator population and another of prey, which are related by rates of reproduction and predation.
And tanks and flows work reasonably well for economies too. Volumes of money in various governmental and private holdings which flow according to spending, regulation, taxation, supply and demand, etc.. Modeling economies as HDSs is really the only way to do it, and has been the standard approach under various names and approaches for many decades.
But having a good model of a system is not the same as being able to predict how that system will behave, or even knowing how to influence the system. Without having and using a good model, it’s entirely impossible. This is because despite the fact that all these systems superficially resemble one another, they are have fundamentally distinct underlying dynamics. And as you should recall from about the only thing Jurassic Park got right: the outcome of a system is dramatically influenced by its initial conditions. Small changes in how a system is constructed or managed can cause totally different outcomes, far afield from one another.
With large scale systems, there are a couple of basic tenets that few people appropriately consider when imagining how the system will respond. The most obvious is simply inertia. When it comes to things like economies and climate, the tank part of the system is a lot bigger than the flow part of the system. That’s exactly the same situation as having a massive cargo ship and a very small engine. It takes a long time to speed it up or slow it down. With a small rudder, it takes a long time to get the vessel to turn.
To an observer on the outside, it is not at all obvious when the vessel begins to make a shift. The wheel is turned, but the ship proceeds lazily along its original trajectory. The engines are put in reverse, but the ship keeps moving forward for miles. This is true with economies too: what we call the “control surfaces” are far too small to make rapid changes in the system trajectory. A new tax, a new spending program, a deregulation, these take years to show their effects.
This is true for climate too: the massive tanks of carbon in the atmosphere, and especially in things like fossil fuels, take enormous amounts of time to be released, and once released to influence the behavior of the overall system. For more than a century we’ve been dumping carbon into the atmosphere on an industrial scale and the system is only now swerving into critical territory. And because our control surface to manage it back is so small, I have very little hope that we can do anything about planetary warming within my lifetime. Even if the entire human race was on board.
Trump is almost certainly going to shift the levers toward a worsening economy. Depressing governmental resources that allow money to flow from larger tanks to smaller ones. Deregulating checks that prevent the accumulation and hoarding of wealth into subsystems designed to extract it. Kicking supports out from education and social systems. But the effects of these policies will take a long time to have an effect on the system trajectory. The system has a lot of inertia.
So far, Trump’s worst ideas have been reasonably well-thwarted. He hasn’t implemented his repeal of the healthcare laws yet, nor has he implemented disastrous tax cuts in an already very low-tax country. I think those things are coming, but they’re not here yet. And even if they do come, they’ll take years to have their effect on the economy. Trump doesn’t get credit for the job growth or stock market yet, and he won’t have earned the blame yet if they sour in the next few months. Things just don’t move that fast.
What Trump gets blame for is being an anti-constitutional traitor, full of stupid and dangerous ideas. For being a racist and a hatemonger. For being a thief and a liar. And for being an incompetent, bewildered narcissist. But not yet for ruining (or having any other observable effect on) the economy though policy implementation.
An Eventful Weekend.
This weekend had a couple of big events that were fun. Sunday morning BB and I ran our 13th half-marathon together. It was a deliberately slow run, because it was a planning race for the half-Ironman in September. I expect the conditions in September to be hot and miserable and humid, and that’s what yesterday was. It was about 75 at the start, and rose to about 85 by 9:30 am when we finished.
We decided on a run/walk plan, where we ran 0.8 miles and walked 0.2. That’s likely to be how I do the run portion of the half-Iron. I don’t expect to be able to run the whole way in heat after that long bike ride. So we did our interval plan and it was harder than I anticipated. Our first several intervals were fast, down around 8:30/8:45 pace. But as the day wore on, they slowed. Our last couple were up around 11.
Overall, we finished in 2:30:26, and got a medal and a t-shirt and a pint glass and that was fun. But I’m definitely not happy with where my fitness is at the moment. I’m overweight, under-trained, and ill conditioned for running in hot weather. I have to make some serious changes if I’m going to be able to achieve my goals this summer. the next big one is an Olympic triathlon in two weeks. I think I’m fit for that, for a slow one, but I am going to push hard this week to get ready.
The other thing that happened this weekend was that I got to hear my own music performed! By real live people. MECMC had a small benefit concert (and I do mean small, there were about 30 people there), and I had volunteered to write a little piece for it. One of our music therapists who plays the flute and a pianist from temple collaborated to perform it. It was a really wonderful experience.
Afterwards they asked me to say a few words, which I was totally unprepared for, and I mumbled out something like, “It’s very humbling to be able to contribute something to such a worthy cause, and a real honor to hear my own music performed so well.” But I think I used the word “flabbergasted” in there and so I’m kind of embarrassed.
I’ve never gotten to hear my own music performed in public, or by people other than me. I really felt like a composer, for a moment, in that setting. I had written a piece for people to hear, and musicians learned it and practiced it, and performed it for an audience, from a stage. It was really special.
Composing is another one of those things that I pretend to do. I know just enough to make things come together, but I don’t have much of an actual gift. Much of my composition is achieved through trial and error, or by improvising and deciding to explore themes I stumbled on quite by accident. I can’t hear symphonies in my head. I have to layer them together voice by voice.
If it weren’t for software that allows me to experiment and hear what I’m doing, I could never write music at all except for piano. I don’t have any special gift. Just a love of music and a willingness to occasionally bash some things together that never sound quite as good as I wish they did. I learned the basic theory behind chords and modulation and such, and that’s the best I can do.
But I’m ok at being mediocre at things. Sure I wish I were gifted. But I am glad to be able to do little things that make me happy, and this time it seemed to make some other people happy too. And I got to share the whole experience with BB. Which made it doubly wonderful.
Proceeding Apace.
Well, I took Sunday through Tuesday off from training due to being sick. I’m still not 100% but at least I’m able to get out there. Wednesday I did a little four mile run at about a 9:30 pace, and then yesterday I did my brick. That consisted of a 16 mile bike ride followed by a 4.2 mile run. The whole thing took me about an hour and forty minutes, not counting transition.
I’m very pleased with those results. I don’t feel great and it’s getting warmer (although a little cool for early June), but I was able to perform well over short distances. I have a half marathon this weekend and I’ll be testing out my run/walk which I expect to have to do during the half-Ironman. We’re going to try 0.8 miles running, 0.2 miles walking the entire distance, and see what kind of pace that gets me.
It’s a little hilly, I’m told, and it should be warm and humid, exactly the conditions I’m expecting for the big triathlon. We’ll see how I feel. Life is pretty good, but I need to be in better shape if I expect to be able to complete the goals I have lined up. Lots of work on the horizon.
Sick.
As is often the way it works, I am sick when I don’t want to be. It’s not bad. I am coughing up bright green/yellow goo. Last night I slept about 9 hours but I don’t feel rested. Because I’m a 40-something man, I’m up every few hours to pee. That makes me less than optimally rested most of the time. I didn’t work out and took a very long hot bath. Today I’m dehydrated.
But I came to work because I needed to come to work. I have pressing items on my to-do list and if I don’t get them done there are going to start to be whispers. So here I am running simulations at ten to eight with a bit of a cold sweat on my brow and a headache. I know I’m supposed to stay home until I’m not sick anymore, but no one really has that option.
Tonight I have to do a brick: hour ride and 40 minute run. Which means I need to get a lot of water on board this morning, or I’ll be really screwed for the run part. Hopefully I can muscle my way through and not suffer too much. We have a half marathon Sunday and I want to finish it and get a nice medal.
Summer Fitness Goals.
OK. I’m definitely a little out of shape after my long vacation. We did get in two runs while we were away, in Lake Bled and in Vicenza. But only a total of about 8.4 miles. But we walked (often with heavy packs) for some 100-120 miles in 11 days. That definitely keeps up the basic fitness, but it doesn’t keep my cardiovascular capacity up. So my first run home, on Wednesday, was difficult. I only did 4 miles and it was hot and my HR spiked all the way to 190 despite a slow pace.
Yesterday I did a 35.2 mile bike ride after work. It was slower than my last two long rides at only 14.4 miles per hour, but give the heat and wind I was ok with that. I was tired when I started and 35 miles is a long way no matter how you feel. My watch thinks it was a 2500 kcal ride. I kind of doubt that, but I was definitely famished when it was over. I’m having trouble imagining running after a ride like that. Getting fit for the half-Ironman is going to be more difficult than I imagined.
But I now have four race goals for the summer. Next weekend (June 11) I’m running a half-marathon. It’s a fun run in a local large municipal park and I have no intention of doing anything other than slow-jogging it. BB and I signed up on a whim and we’re going to just show up and have fun with it. Hopefully another medal to hang on the wall.
Two weeks after that I have my Olympic Triathlon. That’s a 1500m swim (0.93 miles), a 40km bike ride (24.9 miles) and a 10km run (6.2 miles). Depending on the weather, it’ll be a challenge. I did one of near identical length last summer (the bike was 19 miles for that one). I’m probably in shape for this one, but I’m not sure that I can do the run right now, without taking a walk break, after the swim and ride. We’ll see. I’m going to work hard on my running for the next three weeks and see what happens.
The next race after that is a 10km race in August. It’s always hot, humid, and miserable. But it’s a great local race that supports my local running store and so I’m excited to do it. I just really need to get my runs in so that I’m fit. I haven’t been running nearly enough. Getting enough biking in really stomps on my runs. And while biking is great exercise, it doesn’t keep me in running shape.
Finally, Sept 18th is my half-Ironman. As I train up for it I am realizing just what a monumental undertaking it is. The swim is no biggie. But the ride is, and so is the run. 1.2 miles swimming, 56 miles on the bike, and 13.1 miles to run. I have so much work to do. I’m daunted and unsure I can make it. But I will try. I will try.
Annoying People.
Ok, I understand that I am one. I have personal quirks and mannerisms that a lot of people don’t like. I can be obsessive and impatient. I can take things excessively personally even when I know they’re not. I need attention and affection. I like to be the center of attention. I talk too loud. I boast. And I could go on and on, but that’s another one.
But at the moment I’m dealing with an annoying person I have no real right to complain about. There’s a new guy at my men’s meeting. He’s not obviously an alcoholic. He never shares during the meeting. But he likes to come out for dinner with us after. I’ve only been out to dinner with him once. He didn’t bring enough money, and he asked a bunch of questions about what AA was. He didn’t discuss anything about himself.
He seems to be homeless, but of course I can’t tell for sure. He’s very soft spoken. He asks a lot of questions. He says strange things like, “Feel free to start conversations with me. I’m a little shy about starting them myself.” But he isn’t. He talks and talks. He claims to have PTSD and “trauma” but has never said about what.
I gave him my phone number because I give lots of new guys my phone number. Now he’s texting and asking me questions, calling. He wants to hang out, be friends. He doesn’t seem to understand how friendships start. And he seems to see the AA meeting as a place to go find friends, rather than as a place of recovery.
I have rebuffed his efforts at friendship because I find him peculiar and off-putting, as well as disingenuous. He seems guileless, but at the same time he doesn’t seem to be in the rooms for the reason they’re there. He comes across as mentally ill and lonely, not alcoholic seeking recovery. And while that seems like a sad thing, I’m not the person who can solve that. I’m not looking to be a tool to correct someone’s loneliness, especially when I have nothing in common with him.
He seems to think making friends consists of saying, “Let’s hang out and be friends,” rather than building a base of shared experience. I can be, and have been, friends with homeless, mentally ill people in the program. But they’ve all been alcoholics who were there to recover first, and we gradually got to know each other. But really, I only have three or four people from the rooms that have become what I would really call “friends.”
There are plenty of people I like and am friendly with. But only a few I’ve met outside the meetings or dinner after. That’s just not what I’m there for, nor is it usually what they’re there for. We’re there to recover. I’m not looking for friendships among the recovered, generally. And I’m really not looking for friendships among people who don’t need to be there for alcoholism.
I feel like my space has been invaded. By someone too simple to realize he’s invading. I’ve told him some of this by text message. I said, “Sometimes people become friends over years of sharing in the meetings, and if that’s what you want then you need to start sharing.” But then he just says he can’t talk and moans about his “trauma”. He’s perfectly capable of talking and reaching out. He’s not willing to talk about himself.
But of course I don’t know him or what he’s dealing with. I just know that I’m there to connect with alcoholics working on recovery, and if he’s that I’ve seen no evidence of it. He’s strange and disquieting. I don’t like him. And I don’t have to.
But it’s an open men’s meeting. He has as much right to be there as I do. So I need to just chat with my sponsor about it.
Travel Recap and a New Endeavor!
Wow. I’ve been on some great trips in my life, but this was a great trip. Northern Italy was magnificent, and Slovenia was like a perfect gem. We did so much I can’t begin to explain it all. We flew into Venice, spent two days wandering the canals (and dodging armor-piercing mosquitoes). From there, we went to Lake Bled in Slovenia, a stunning little town nestled in the southern Alps. Describing it is a fool’s errand. It looks like heaven would look if it were designed by Bob Ross.
From Bled we went to Ljubljana, the charming and intimate capital city of Slovenia. Thence to Vicenza, a smallish town in northern Italy entirely designed by Andrea Palladio in the 1500s. Stunning architecture. We hiked around in vineyards and ate so much gelato. After Vicenza we went to Bergamo, a city on a hill surrounded by 16th century walls still entirely intact.
From there we returned to Venice and home. I can’t begin to explain all the amazing things we saw. And of course we ate some amazing things too. We ate at both Antica Osteria Cera, and El Coq. Michelin-starred restaurants in Venice and Vicenza, respectively. Incredible food. The first bite I had at Antica, a bruschetta with roasted tomato and mozzarella, was probably the best thing I’ll ever eat in my entire life. Stunning. Revelatory. Astounding.
Pictures will never do this trip justice. But BB and I have created a new social media experiment for you to follow, when we travel. It’s called “Rocco and Fetti Travel the World“, on Instagram. Please head over there to see some great pics from our traveling companions. They’ll be with us every time we travel, and I’ll be filling in some pics from previous trips as time goes by. Follow them, if you will, to keep up with us as we journey around the world.
Vacation Postcards!
Ok no promises but if you want a postcard from my mystery vacation destination you can email (infactorium at the g mail server machine) your address and I will do my best to send you one.
If not, I’ll post some pics here when I return!
Vacation Now.
I am on day two of four sitting like a blob at home on my two week vacation before I jet off with BB to parts unknown for 10 days. We tend to go on two trips a year, a long one and a short one, and this is the long one. We’ll be somewhere wonderful and fabulous, and because of my horrific flight home last fall American Airlines owed me $1,000, so our tickets were nearly free. Obviously, blogging will be light for the next two weeks.
Sitting at home, I’m planning to do a little training for my triathlon (today I have gym, bike, and run – if I can find the motivation.). And I’m composing a little chamber piece to be played at a fundraiser for music therapy services at MECMC. I was asked to play piano at it, but I feel uncomfortable playing for an audience that’s sitting and listening to me. I don’t ind playing in a public place, I do it all the time, but not for a seated and attentive crowd.
But writing a piece for professionals (or talented amateurs) to play? That’s gratifying. So I’m hopefully going to be able to put out a piece for flute and piano that people will like. I’m not a gifted composer, but I am also not shitty. Hopefully I can create something that will not leave everyone nauseated.
Mostly, I’m glad to be relaxing, off work, and I’m definitely feeling less stressed. I know it will all come back in a minute once I return. But for now… aahhhhhhh. I could get used to not having a job.
